A Modest Proposal for 2011

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of my country

                                                                                                                 – Jonathan Swift

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During the course of human events, when an economic crisis such as this one befalls a nation, it is necessary to innovate thought and cultivate new ideas in order to combat the harsh climate of partisan politics. Turbulent times coupled with intense debate serve only to heighten the inherent sectarianism, and thus require solutions as yet unconsidered.

The same limp and repetitive talking points simply have not succeeded in convincing one side or the other. The Republicans and the Democrats of the great Christian nation of America seem to only agree on one thing: they do not agree with one another. For this reason, solutions that reach outside of political parties and transcend the spectrum of reason must be examined. And though it seems bleak, there are answers.

One side of this hotly contested financial disagreement would esteem to call itself pro-business. Though this terminology can easily be construed as a euphemism for unmitigated and governmentally authorized greed, it is not. The wealthiest amongst us have every right to earn a dollar on the back of whomever lies beneath their boot. No one begrudges the businessman this opportunity and in this capitalist nation, this possibility of economic success is where the true sanctum of the American dream permanently claims residence

As such, the previous years of diligent politicking has been spent deregulating banking laws and creating tax loopholes that allow for billions of dollars to go untaxed and for the financial windfalls to be safely pocketed by the very people who have deservingly earned them.

Marxist Democrats seek to simply jostle the bank accounts of the businessman to redistribute wealth. This left wing agenda hopes to repeal the lawful and governmentally sanctioned tax breaks in order to freely give money to the lazy uneducated immigrants angling to suckle at the teat of federal agencies. In truth, the proletariat is irresponsible and wouldn’t know what to do with extra income even if it was gift wrapped for their taking, thus this communistic approach to solving the financial crisis is untenable and worse: un-American.

These tax cuts and corporate clauses are meant to stimulate the economy. It is supposed that these wealthy captains of industry reinvest their personal surpluses into busines thereby creating jobs. After all, mansions and yachts do not build themselves. However, these tax cuts have somehow failed to catalyze the economic growth they clearly should.

The job creators have grown richer each year but the economy has trickled to a halt. Corporations have posted record earnings while many Americans idle unemployed and the general public languishes in poverty. Nonetheless, the tax breaks provided to multinational conglomerates are a source of positive economic growth and as such they have been declared “off the table” by our Republican representatives. As trusted officials speaking for their constituents, we can safely assume that the best interest of the nation is in their every congressional action.

Thus, something else must be sucking the lifeblood from this nation; something much more sinister is afoot. No, the fault does not lie with the charitable CEO who joyfully stimulates the economy by dropping gold bullion from his private jet; it is the obesity of entitlement plans that have firmly placed a monkey-wrench in budgetary process and wholly wrecked this economy.

The problems of Social Security and MediCare are two such ballooning government entitlement programs that sap any and all extra money from our government. Only behind these failing altruistic wastes lie the true enemy: the donees of said programs.

Lets us first examine the the problem before tackling the obvious solution.

Who benefits from Social Security and MediCare? The answer: people who do not have enough money to support themselves or do not have the ability to pay for the increasing cost of health care. Aging Americans without the financial stability to pay for medication or even groceries are among the thieves profiting from one of the greatest scams we, as Americans, have ever subjected our economy to. These useless withered skeletons do nothing but soak up extra bucks that could easily be spent on cruise missiles or the funding of construction by American companies in nations we’ve torn apart by war. Yes, Pappy may receive some medication that may allow him to cling to his pathetic life for a few more depressing weeks — but at what cost?

The price of keeping these seniors alive and in relative health is too much burden for this failing economy to take. The frail bodies of our poor seniors can no longer lift heavy objects. Their diminished ability to pilot motorcars is an obvious hazard to other able-bodied drivers on the road. Further, their desire to spoil grandchildren sets a poor example by reinforcing the very same something-for-nothing attitude that got us into this jam in the first place. These seniors who choose to spend their money on knickknacks for their grandchildren and medication are only investing in themselves. They give nothing back to the country that generously allows them to live by the saving grace of free money.

Well, the time for change is upon us.

The elimination of these entitlement plans would free up the cash necessary to redirect this economy toward the path to prosperity. The only humanitarian way to do this is to first procedurally liquidate the ever thirsty recipients of such programs.

As most of these geriatric culprits would know from their Civil War days — when an appendage has become gangrenous: amputation is the only cure.

The turgidity of these entitlement plans serves only to ensure an increasing deficit as the growing number of beneficiaries hitch their star to the federal wagon and desperately cling to whatever meager life can be provided by the government. This senseless extraction of federal funds is a gross misuse of resources. By marginalizing this selection of the population into extinction, these complex issues, those of which have all but halted the legislative process, will simply fade away.

Thus, the systematic removal of these freeloaders from the national payroll of social programs should be seen as a necessary surgery that will improve the general health of the American economy. The Civil War analogy applies here as the poison will only spread if not separated from the body as a whole. The fact that these now obsolete humans built this program on their own sweat matters little in this tumultuous economy. That was then and now is now.

In truth, this modest proposal is a merciful solution to a pitiless and unyielding financial crises. As a nation under God, it is our utilitarian duty to see to it that each American has the potential to reach their full potential. For some, the eternal paradise that awaits will be far superior to the corporeal toils of earthen living. Those without jet-skis and designer footwear will be granted these necessary luxuries in the next life and it is our duty to ensure that each person has the opportunity to experience these great pleasures, either in this life or the forthcoming eternity of bliss.

For some, happiness will never be achieved on this planet. For some, each struggling day presents a challenge that may be too much to overcome. This is why these charitable programs exist in the first place. They were created in the false hope of lessening the burden some unfortunate people experience. These unfortunate people are those who now stand in the way of success.

If the American economy is to be a flourishing garden of production, then profitable businesses are the fruit-bearing plants. As such, tax breaks and corporate technicalities pour forth life from legislative watering cans. Anything standing in the way of this time-tested recipe are nothing more than weeds. The time is ripe for pecuniary pesticide.

The monetary figures themselves are irrelevant. The wasted money numbers into the billions and does nothing but present the utilitarian solution to the problem. The many must make way for the few and the free money that has crippled this nation must be ripped from the greedy palms that always remain open, expectant of more.

As a nation, we sit at a crossroads. Either react quickly or the great United States may default on its loans. The repercussions of such a disaster will further sink this country into a recession from which we may never be able to recover.

We are at a breaking point and the desperation that is felt can be quelled by the sacrifice of those who are leading the rest of the population to the gallows. If the spoiled masses of the sick, weak and old knew the damage they have wrought upon this great country, there is no doubt the noblest remaining among them would proudly tie the noose themselves.


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